Posted Tuesday, July 11, 2006

The Tyranny of the Two Minute Toothbrush Timer
The Triumph Professional Care 9000 has added new challenges to my oral hygiene lifestyle.

Okay.. everybody knows that you’re supposed to brush your teeth after every meal. And your dedicated dental hygienist will remind you that you should brush for at least 2 minutes. Yeah, yeah.. I brush my teeth and I’m sure it must last at least that long. Back in the days of the plastic tooth brush in cheerful colors propped up in a designer toothbrush rack on your bathroom counter that was that.

Then along came the electric toothbrush with TIMER. Beep… time to switch to the next quadrant. QUADRANT.. you know, one quarter of your teeth should be brushed until the next beep. I hated that beeper. How long was 30 seconds anyway? Too long at the end of a long day when all you wanted to do was put your head to your pillow. Too long if you were eager to get on with the day.. perhaps off on an outing to somewhere fun. I soon learned to lose track of the beeps.. it FELT long enough. I still felt quite satisfied that my teeth were getting all of the attention they deserved.

Enter the Triumph Professional Care 9000. It gives GRADES… and HAPPY FACES. When you turn your toothbrush off it gives you a readout giving you the EXACT number of minutes and seconds that you have kept whirling brush to shiny enamel. Oh my! Not earn a happy face? Get a score of less than a perfect 2.00? Unthinkable for a former school principal, elementary teacher, and way back when, teacher’s pet. Once again I began to feel the burden of the 30 second beeps. The weight of it made so much heavier knowing that there was a GRADE at the end of the session.

What to do.. what to do. Two minutes really is a long time to kill. A strategy was needed.

Step One… sit down and relax. I find pacing around staring at the bathroom mirror is counter productive to earning that happy face. My mind tends to wander as I fixate on the lined face staring back at me wondering how I got to be so old.

Step Two… come up with a system. Just confining the brush to one quadrant at a time was not getting the job done so I invented the toothbrush waltz. 1, 2, 3… 1, 2, 3… Just like the beauty waltzing with the beast, my toothbrush twirls along one tooth at a time to the three count. 1, 2, 3.. next tooth, 1, 2, 3… move along. I haven’t done the math and I admit to having forgotten just how many teeth I’m supposed to have, but the toothbrush waltz seems to do a fine job of getting me to the end of each quadrant just in time for the much anticipated BEEP. If I arrive at the end too early, I go back to the teeth I know the dental hygienist spends extra time on during the dreaded 6 month teeth cleaning appointments.

Of course the system isn’t perfect. If my thoughts wander.. or I nod off while sitting there.. I have to improvise. Can’t remember when the last beep was? Once again go back to those troubled teeth that cause the deep sighs from the dental hygienist. Can’t remember what quadrant you were in? That’s the hard one. Then you are faced with abandoning the quadrant system all together and just gritting it out, guiding the whirling bristles over tooth after tooth till the blessed double beep signals success.

I am irrationally addicted to seeing the happy face and the usual time of 2.01 on the LCD readout. It frightens me a little that I find myself wondering if I should go for an A+.. what would that be.. and extra 10 seconds? 15, 20?

The last time I visited my overly cheerful dentist hygienist she casually mentioned, as she handed me a tin of floss, that the dentist was recommending 3 minute brushings… THREE MINUTES???? I hope the Triumph Professional Care 9000 lives long and prospers.. Surely the Triumph 10,000 will raise the bar… 45 seconds per quadrant will definitely not work with the toothbrush waltz! I can’t bear to think about it!

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